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At best, sex can be
a great source of comfort, pleasure and fulfilment for women.
At worst, sexual anxieties can damage women's relationships
and rob them of their self-esteem and sense of femininity. Common
female sexual difficulties include lack of desire for sex, problems
getting and staying turned on, difficulty reaching orgasm, physical
pain during intercourse and
not finding sex pleasurable. If you're one of the 43 per cent
of women aged between 18 and 59 who experience problems with
sex, try these six simple steps that can help to maximise your
sexual encounters.
Setting
Up for Sex
Lovemaking
starts way before you take off your clothes. It may be impossible
to get turned on at all if you don't work to create good conditions
for sex before you begin. Our bodies are not machines - we need
optimal conditions to create an environment for getting turned
on. Sexual arousal is maximised when you feel good about yourself,
your body, sex, your partner, your relationship and your environment. Each
woman has different conditions for optimising sexual response.
To find out your personal conditions for sexual pleasure, recall
three really pleasurable sexual experiences from your past and
the factors that made the sex work for you. Now think of the
three worst sexual encounters. What made these encounters disappointing?
It's much easier to get turned on if you know what arouses you
and what doesn't.
Tuning out
Everyday life
is definitely not sexy. Thinking about the memo you forgot on
your desk, the weeds in the garden or your problem mother-in-law
is not a turn on. To be sexually aroused you must tune out all
non-erotic thoughts and focus on what's sexy for you.
Tuning
In
The next step
is to focus attention on aspects of sensuality and sexuality
tha1 are pleasurable for you. You might concentrate on the pleasures
of your senses - the sight, smell, taste, touch and sound of
lovemaking; giving and receiving erotic stimulation; sexual
fantasies or erotic memories; your own and/or your partner's
arousal; erotica; or your love for your partner.
Most books and articles discussing sexual arousal insist that
you must be mentally relaxed. In fact, getting turned on requires
mental discipline and sustained concentration. The highest arousal
occurs when you lose yourself totally in the pleasure of the
sexual experience and the rest of the world melts away from
your thoughts.
Dodging Distractions
The moment your mind
strays away from erotic elements, your arousal will evaporate.
This is perfectly normal. Distractions such as the phone ringing,
children coughing in the night or traffic noises can't be helped,
but you must work at bringing your attention back to pleasure
as quickly as possible to avoid total loss of arousal. If you
find your mind wandering during lovemaking, don't be surprised
if your body stops responding to sex. Refocus your attention
if possible.
Avoiding
Anxiety
Anxiety is
a powerful passion killer. If it precedes sex (anticipatory
anxiety), it can prevent you from getting turned on. Worrying
! about sexual performance during love-making will also rapidly
detour you away from sexual arousal.
You can only hold one thought in your mind at a time. Worries
about your capacity to please your partner, or whether you
can climax, will not only turn you off but may prevent you from
restoring your focus back onto sexual stimulation.
Whenever you catch a worrying thought, discard it right away
and focus back to your favourite erotic images and sensations.
Tensing up for orgasm
Only 30 per cent
of women will reach climax through intercourse alone. Most women
need clitoral stimulation before, during, after or instead of
intercourse. Sex manuals tell us to be physically relaxed to
have an orgasm. Rubbish!
At high levels of arousal the body's muscles naturally tense
up. It's normal to flex the toes and tense the muscles of the
thighs, buttocks and abdomen to help trigger orgasm. Like any
skill, sexual arousal gets easier with repetition and practice.
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